Unrivaled.

As I proudly extend my 3rd digit to the entire human race for such a rotten, sickening mentality, embedded far too deep in the kernels of our minds, my brain scrambles to find a version of women's ideals.

Don't be too clingy,

Don't be such a 'boy',

Be a man, and guide me,

But don't boss me around.

Don't wear flashy clothes,

Don't be such an attention seeker,

Be confident,

But dress well everyday, all day.

Don't come on too strong, 

Don't be desperate,

Treat me like a princess,

But don't be a doormat.

Don't complain about life,

Don't show me you're weak,

Be a strong pillar,

But share everything with me.

I'm just going to leave this here, to demonstrate how the perfect balance in life doesn't exist.

Unfortunately, much to my dismay, reality isn't a mathematical equation with perfect equilibrium.

Thus, in my journey to obtain perfection in the various aspects that are important to me, 

namely my academic facet and relationships, I tend to come across as "impossible to please".

I want to be the best in what I do, but I don't know if I'm made to be the best.

Yesterday was a prime example of my propensity to second-guess my capabilities of being a doctor.

I was upset with myself, more so than the other parties involved in that predicament.

7 weeks to go before I'm allowed to roam the wards treating ill patients, and thus, I cannot afford to second guess my decisions, it is of absolute imperative to be a confident, efficient and knowledgable doctor who is well-liked by staffs and colleagues alike.

Hence, after interrogating my patients of every nitty gritty detail about their admissions, I would never leave the cubicle before assessing how they smile/bid me farewell. 

Sometimes, I semi-anticipate for a patient to utter things like "It was a pleasure talking to you, Doctor". 

I felt it is an excellent indication that one did an commendable job balancing good patient interactions while getting all necessary details essential for follow-up management.

Yesterday, the dark clouds loomed above me, as I felt so mmmeh.

I decided after a week of dieting and working out, I deserved a break from the crave for my idea of a "perfect body" and went to eat out.

Salmon teriyaki, gyoza and yaki soba.

There goes a week's hard work.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday, and I nitpick 10 things I despise about what I see, and I work to correct these imperfections, within the bounds of my religion.

I'm such a perfectionist, that it has come to a stage that it is deemed exhausting. 

I've grown to be better at hiding it when I step out of my bedroom, so much so that I believe even my beloved housemate thinks I'm the most easy-going final year medical student mankind has ever known.

Relationships-wise, it starts with what appeals to the eyes, before I delve into personality, and compatibility,

and often, somewhere along the way, things don't work out.

But I shrug it off and say that it is not my jodoh.

And Dublin isn't known to have an ample reservoir of Malaysians.

And after the 5th year one resides here, too many history, baggages, and rumours circulating around that more often than not, you don't even attempt to make the first move.

Let's see if my luck changes once I go home.

I'm going to have my breakfast and start the day with a walk around the neighbourhood.

There's a little saying about life and lemons.

I believe, sometimes, if you're unlucky enough to not be handed with lemons by life

(because life can be a little female dog, like that),

 we'll just have to work hard and grow our own lemon trees. 

Aliyah 

xo

D-day is imminent.

(1)

I found this excerpt from the book "Looking for Alaska" By John Green. 

I would like to think that I exude a certain degree of confidence when I enter a room, the sort of aura that dismiss naivety or gullibility but very much approachable, nonetheless. 

The excerpt above, however, is what I feel most of the time- a drizzle, rather than a hurricane. 

Droplets of a leaky tap rather than a flowing river.

Brace yourself, I have no idea where this entry is headed. I'm just going to type whatever that crosses my mind.

In medicine, confidence has a lot to do with how well you do in examinations, more so than the clinical knowledge you have tucked in your memory banks. 

The way you walk into the examination room, the way you carry yourself, how good you converse in English, and how well you handle the challenging questions are as imperative as the knowledge in entirety.

I'll be 25 this year, that's actually a quarter of century, mind you.

I look back and thought I haven't really done anything significant with my life so far.

And there's a need, a greed, perhaps, an insatiable hunger to improve myself in any aspects that I can. 

If I have it my way, I would like to be the absolute best in every, single, thing I put my mind to. 

Unfortunately, realistically, there is no such thing as being the best when you're constantly surrounded by the crème de la crème.

Its frustrating and that confidence I thought I had embedded in my personality gradually diminished, leaving behind a persona I hardly recognize.

Its Sunday and I should be going to the library an hour ago, yet here I am writing this. A very subdued Korean ballad on the background, as I am typing. I'm missing home. My younger sister is having an examination tomorrow, thus she's unable to Whatsapp me, as she normally would. Had my breakfast, click on Tumblr and Twitter for updates- and sighed.

Because none of these gave me the feeling of thrill and excitement.

I feel empty.

 In all sense of the word. 

Yesterday, I skyped with my bestfriend and my mother, and I muttered those three words to them, hoping that uttering it out loud would ease the confusion that obscures my days into weeks, weeks into months.

Maybe I should go shopping. 

The thought of shopping used to send jitters down my spine but lately, it has lost its appeal.

 In all honesty, I'd rather stay in my cozy and warm bedroom.

And sleep.

I'm constantly fatigued. 

Maybe I'm anemic.

So I took some iron and B12 supplements and we'll see how I feel in a week or so when the iron tablets  kick in. 

I met someone who I thought was very attractive, well dressed and funny.

But I'm going home soon, there's no point pursuing anything at this stage, so I drew my best poker face on, and acted as per normal although, it has been a while since I made a double take on anyone. 

Intern shadowing was really so much fun. 

I suppose the only thing that makes me happy these days, is seeing patients in the hospital.

Most are just darlings, who were very cooperative, and loved throwing compliments, which wasn't such a bad way to spend your day, really. 

Honestly, if I'm not doing Medicine right now, I would have gone mental. 

But if one looks at this whole phenomenon from a different perspective, perhaps, Medicine is the seed of all the emotional turmoil I have been going through. 

It is the sole reason I'm so very far away from my family and everything that makes me, me. 

How do you stay rooted to yourself, when the ground is halfway across the world.

Perhaps, going back to Malaysia after graduation will be the best decision I have made in the last 5 years of my life here.

Dublin has been such an eye opening event in my life. Perhaps, one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, despite its many ups and downs.

It is here where I have found (and lost) love and where I grew to discover myself. 

But alas, home is where the heart is.

And missing my family is more than I could bear. 

I have felt a spectrum of emotions I didn't know existed throughout my 5-year stay abroad, but loneliness takes the cake for being the worst sentiment a human being is capable of feeling.

I'm coming home, Malaysia. And I believe this will be what's best for me now. 

(2)

Pic-spams.

Of delicious mussels and tom yam. I miss Bangkok and a friend of mine treated me to some Pad Thai ^^

Malaysian Night 2013. I thought I was on my chubbier side that weekend, so no photos were posted of the dress I was wearing. Looking at them made me cringe, haha. 

During my housemate's birthday dinner, seen here with Shara, my friend from China.

Fine dining with Xin Guo, a friend of mine from Shanghai. I think I wrote about it in one of my previous entries.

Old photos with Mia, just because.

Aliyah

x

Shadows in the Dawn

Tonight, I thought about you again.

I’m not going to text you, I’m not going to call.

We’ve been there and nothing good ever comes out of it.

I thought of the way you look at me, as you rested your head on folded arms on the window frame.

You looked divine, and my heartstrings jittered.

I thought of the way you smiled at me. “Don’t worry. I won’t let the zombies get you”.

I’ve never told anyone of that silly fear, only to hear you reply “Haha, I pun sama.”

We were like two peas in a pod.

Both broken by our pasts, both unwilling to move on.

But somehow, I wish you would.

I unlocked the door to my house, embarked into the darkness.

The faint sound of your car leaving the driveway resonated through the neighbourhood. The blush I was painting on my cheeks as I entered my bedroom.

I wanted to see you again, the sooner, the better.

But little that I know, that was the last time I’ll ever encounter that side of you. 

The last time, I’ll ever encounter you.

Its been years since we last spoke.

How are you? How have you been?

Do you still like sushi? Have you watched Django Unchained?

Random queries most people would dismiss.

But I, I still remember all your replies to my silly questions.

2013 and What It Means.

In my attempt to avoid studying, which is what I've been effectively doing for the last few days and the few weekends before, I decided to write this. 

Half of January has passed yet I still find myself mewling over the dread of what 2013 may bring. 

I don't know what it is about embarking in the new year that often slips me into this abyss of self-reflection, or rather self-loathe, and intense fear.

The simple prospect of the unknown future scares me.

I don't know if I will able to deliver.

I don't know if this year would, in fact, be better than previous years.

Would I grow into a better, stronger human being, or will I crumble under pressure.

I don't know.

And that scares me.

Will I finally meet someone this year?

Will I hurt again like previous years?

Will I succeed in embarking my journey as a qualified doctor?

Will my consultants and colleagues like me?

Will my friends continue befriending me?

Will I be able to fulfill expectations- my own and others'?

I don't know.

And that scares me.

I drown myself in songs I don't understand, in attractive men I won't meet, in the superficial culture that isn't impressed with intellectual abilities- Just the perfect distraction I needed to avoid facing the reality that soon, everything will be "real".

No more scholarship allowances to rely on when financial reservoir is depleted.

Friends may drift apart from schedule conflicts, work and family.

And somewhere along the line, I may- even though I pray I won't- lose myself in the demands of being in the medical profession.

And when that time comes, I hope I'm ready to face all the challenges it bears and that I handle them the best way humanly possible.

A medical intern falling asleep in the res-room.
There's something really calming about this picture- a screencap from Reply 1997.
Amidst all the chaos in the room, the subject is sleeping peacefully.
And perhaps, everything in this picture is what I've always wanted.

Anyway, may we all have a blessed year ahead of us- filled with happiness, joy, and content. 

Aliyah 

x

Of Little Deers and Fine Dining.

"What are you doing for dinner? I've booked us a place in Patrick Guilband Michelin Restaurant in Merrion Street."

"Great, I'll see you there at 7pm" I replied.

I clicked open a tab and google-mapped the location of the restaurant, got ready and made my way.

I probably should have did a bit of research beforehand, because I unintentionally wound up at the posh area of Dublin. 

I let out a sigh, it is as I feared.

I was underdressed, donning skinnies and a knitwear. In my wedged trainers, I walked into the restaurant. Chin up, praying that God would finally grant me an aura that may affirm the waiting staffs that I could actually afford the food here, haha.

Hugs and cheery greetings with my friends- it was nice to see them again.

I scanned the menu. 4 course meals for 90 euros.

Ouch.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay. 

My heart was begging to muster enough courage to make a run for it. 

But my pride, my stupid pride simply won't let me.

"Good evening, madamme. May I interghest you in some appetizers while waiting for the chef to preparrgh (oh yeah, the waiter was French) your dinner."

... But I haven't ordered yet. I thought to myself.

"Oh, that's fine. Although, I cannot eat meat and absolutely no alcohol in any of my dishes, thank you. Seafood is fine." I answered calmly.

I had no idea what just happened.

We were escorted to our table, passing by a line of waiters bowing and constantly mouthing "Welcome, madamme".

"Be cool, Alia. Act posh." I kept telling myself.

Other than having my pinky constantly extended (thank you British movies, I thought. That's what the socialites do that a lot as they have their posh evening tea), I sat uncomfortably upright and none of us dared to talk much because the truth was, none of us knew how to act in this place.

And we were served with an exquisite dinner roll (exquisite, because it was a posh restaurant, lol), before served with a beautiful appetizer made from cheese, coffee, vanilla, almond and a "secret ingredient" that somehow blended to be tastefully savoury.

Honestly, it was the best thing I've ever had in my life.

As for the main course, my friends were served with lamb and I had lobster. 

Desserts were remarkably gorgeous, with macaroons, and mini dessert tray with green tea and coffee.

And we departed the restaurant feeling thoroughly contented.

Was it worth the moolah I paid?

Yes. For both the experience and the ultimately, the very sexy dishes they served.

But alas, I'm still a student and that was above and beyond my means of living.

That being said, I could totally get used to this in the future :p

Oh regarding my previous post, I didn't exactly meet my soulmate, haha. 

Okay, maybe I did, but uh, there's a little problem.

He doesn't know I exist.

Meet Lu Han.

In Mandarin, Lu means "deer". I don't know what Han means but I can attest it probably translates into something along the lines of "extremely sexy, attractive and OMG you're so hot. Let me love you."

I stayed in Dusit Thani during my stay in Bangkok.

So, Chars and myself had our fair share of bumping into EXO in the hotel lobby.

He was shy, constantly bowing to the staffs and fans but mostly, kept interacting with his bandmates. 

Although, much to my surprise, in real life, he didn't really stand out amongst the remaining 11 of EXO's tall, attractive Korean/Chinese boys, but I found his antics very endearing. 

He's multilingual and constantly encouraging the less popular members of EXO to the limelight. 

Thoughtful and charming. 

I fell defenseless. And I fell hard. 

Let's see if you can spot me in the video. And yep, that was shown in national Thai TV.

Haih, I cringe to this day for this YT video. 

Charuni, on the other hand, had her eyes on Kris, the duizhang of EXO-M (the dude next to Lu in 2nd gif).

Okay, so I'm allowing myself until graduation next year to gawk on really attractive Korean/Chinese boys, because then, I have to start looking for the real deal.

Let's face it, getting married to a Beijing boy who became one sixth of an SM boyband is simply unrealistic. 

But hey, I'll keep you posted if we end up dating, haha. 

Goodnight and Merry Christmas, my dears.

Aliyah xoxo

Hiatus and Deers.

Hi.
I'm fully aware I haven't been up to speed with updates. There isn't any excuses I could elucidate to reason my 3 months hiatus.

A friend came over to my humble apartment today and asked why I haven't been writing.

The truth is I have- Only not on this blog.

I write fictional stories now- about other personas, some of them, (sadly) are inspired by manifestations of my deepest wishes and yearns, whilst others, by my curiosity. I haven't publish them to be read by the general web community because knowing my ungodly perfectionism tendencies, it may take a while for me to feel they are good enough to be posted, if at all.

I felt like stories about how I'm coping with medical school has since become quite repetitive in this blog. And how much I miss my family.. yeah, been there done that. And nothing has changed. I still miss them dearly in my waking moment and I'm still going through the routines of a medical student.

I had some adventures during the last summer, since my previous post. However, considering it is time for me to get tucked in- because tomorrow will be quite a busy day, I will perhaps find the time to write about some pleasant encounters last July, hopefully, by this weekend.

....And me having met with my soulmate.

Here's a hint of how he looks like;

I hope this mystery will keep you glued for updates ;)

In the meantime, I would like to wish all Muslims, Selamat Hari Raya AidilAdha.

:)

Aliyah 

x

Summer Dreams.

Regrettably, this blog has inevitably taken a back seat since Obstetrics and Gynecology rotations commenced nearly 2 months ago. Even after the semester ended, I have somehow managed to largely ignore any calling to write mainly because some of the core issues I felt compelled to write about, in my opinion, need not be shared.

Today, as I brewed my cup of green tea, and grabbed my "Korean for Beginners" handbook- yes, I am still learning though I'm not making tremendous progress, sadly- I felt like its time to write.

I arrived in Kuala Lumpur approximately 2 weeks ago. After almost 2 years of not seeing my family, I expected a teary greeting at the arrival hall but I could not have been more mistaken- as soon as I saw my younger sister towering above me, and my mom poking fun on my prepubescent body frame- the whole atmosphere was delightfully happy. Laughters resonated as we strode to the carpark. My father insisted on pushing my 25kg luggages, Mia and myself (almost) skipped to our car hand in hand, as I proudly boast that I thought Malaysia wasn't very hot afterall :)

No tears were shed.

Just smiles and laughters.

I came home, only to be greeted by Yusri, my 17 year old brother who has bulked up over the years. He's shed some weight since the last photo I saw him in. He ran to the car and literally picked me up a la newlyweds and spun me around- being a scaredy cat that I am, I screamed begging to be let down.

It was good to be home.

My cat, Droopy came to the door, curious of all the commotion. I picked her up and snuggled her, purposely making her feel uncomfortable but she did not resist- somehow showing she still remembers my scent.

I went up to my room and lo and behold- it has turned into a One Direction shrine- Thanks to Mia.

She gave me a sheepish smile and apologized.

Abang came home from college after maghrib, and was by far, the most "control macho" greeting of the day. "Hi Kak, how was the flight?". I said "Okay, uneventful." as he scanned the room for my luggage, I suppose I knew him well enough to know what he was really looking for "Abang punya baju from Dublin yang Kak Long beli Mama dah basuh." He smiled and said "Thanks Kak".

The next day, everyone skipped college and school- It was apparently an unspoken unanimous decision- so that we can all head out for a siblings day out. Mom and Dad closed one eye and went as far as giving us some money to spend.

We watched movies, had lunch, tea and dinner- all the while catching up over lost times.

I have realised that my siblings are no longer children I remember they were- they are now young adults- who are developing self awareness and personalities, exploring interests with maturing opinions.

And it makes me so proud.

Proud of who they are shaping up to be and proud to call them my brothers and sister.

I'll leave this entry with my brother's Derp face, haha.